Promise me you'll always
remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and
smarter than you think. (Christopher Robin to Pooh – A.A.Milne)
The most difficult
one to write yet
Firstly let me start with an apology that it has taken me so
long to write my update after the end of my chemo which finished on December 6th. I then had to face the start of stage two my
mastectomy. I don’t really know why I
have put off writing my blog, well perhaps I do that’s a fib, I just did not
feel like bearing my feelings and a lot has happened. Get yourself a cup of tea it’s going to be a
long blog!
Let me start with New Year’s Eve; I have never liked it and
for a person who is generally upbeat most of the time I turn into the most melancholy
miserable and quite frankly annoying person to be around. (Just ask Jo!) It makes me sad, I know not why but it does, I
always end up having a good cry and reflect the ‘what might have been’s’ that
have happened during the year. This
year, as you already know has been the most challenging yet for me. ‘Bastard Cancer’ diagnosed in June, followed
by my company going into administration in August, yep, as years go 2013
(unlucky for some!) was diabolical and this was going to be a NY’s eve that my ‘one
night only’ of melancholy was really going for gigantic proportions with the
aim to wipe out the old with a good weep and welcome in the new and the thought
of finishing my treatment and resuming some normality into my life and let me
tell you it was appealing.
Joanne and I had booked in for afternoon tea at a posh
tearoom (we really know how to live !) Unfortunately when I woke up on NY eve I had
a temperature of nearly 40 degrees and my cancer breast was bright red and
clearly something was not right. Turns out I had an infection on top of the
cancer in my breast and was told that there was no way they could operate and
do my mastectomy the first week in January as it was too risky.
Now when you have gone through 8 rounds of chemo and you
feel as weak and sick as a kitten and you have come to the end of it knowing
you have to gain quick strength for your operation you really have to pull out
all of the stops to carry on regardless.
The end is in sight, you want the ‘bastard cancer’ to be cut out of you
and so to be told that it cannot be done due to an infection is
heartbreaking. Your worst fears of the
cancer spreading take over and you become paranoid with every ache, pain or
itch. My consultant finally gave the go ahead
for the mastectomy at the end of January but gave me the news that they where
no long prepared to do the reduction of my other breast and put the tissue
expander in preparedness for the reconstruction and that the main priority was
for the them to get the ‘bastard cancer’ out. This
was because they felt that my weight, coupled with the recent infection meant I
would be under for too long and they felt this would be too risky for a 51
years old heavy woman. Seemed sensible but secretly I was devastated.
So, four weeks ago I
had my mastectomy, all of the medical staff in the park hospital, including my
consultant Mr Ali Jahan were amazed that I was up and doing lap rounds of the
ward so quickly and that my healing process went as it should. I have developed a seroma which is quite
common Seroma (The Science
Bit)
Many people who have had breast cancer surgery or
lymph node removal develop a collection of fluid called a seroma. This can
either be under the arm and/or in the breast or chest wall. The build up of
fluid may cause some discomfort, but is not a cause for concern and is usually
reabsorbed by the body over time.
If the seroma is large, restricts arm movement,
causes discomfort or doesn’t subside, your specialist or breast care nurse may
decide to draw off (aspirate) the fluid using a needle and syringe. This
is usually a painless procedure as the area around the wound is still likely to
be numb.
Sometimes a seroma will refill after it has been
aspirated. Some people may need to be aspirated several times over a period of
weeks before it goes away completely. This can be a frustrating experience.
My take on it!
My consultant told me the record in his hospital is 1000ml
(A litre), I have been aspirated now each week and the average he has taken out
has been 450ml, told him we need to go for the record as I am competitive but
he is having none of it!)
Honesty
is the first chapter in the book of wisdom: (Thomas Jefferson)
For those of you who know me, you will understand that for
the most part I am strong, I am resilient, I like to work my way around
problems or knock walls down. However,
what I did not bargain for was how low I feel about my body image which was the
very last thing I thought I would feel.
I have always carried weight, it has never really bothered me the way it
affects other women, I don’t know why I just thought sod it and only the health
side of carrying weight made me at least try off and on to diet. I was rubbish at dieting, still am! I therefore did not bank on feeling distraught
at the lack of symmetry, the lopsidedness and the sheer pain of trying to cover
up. What makes it worse is that mastectomy
bra’s which tend to fasten at the front and have a pocket to hold prosthesis in
only go up to a certain cup size as they assume that you have already had a
reduction in your other breast. If you
wear an ordinary bra it rises up so you end up with lobsided breasts which
although we have laughed at to start with really does cause misery and sadness
and makes you feel unwomanly.
During these
past few weeks it has really made me introvert and a little withdrawn and
although I do still go out I cover myself artistically with elaborately tied scarf’s
and wraps but as the warmer weather beckons I really do not know what I will
do. I am not scheduled to have my reduction for a
while yet.
Ironically I don’t mind my mastectomy scar, It’s my battle
wound and I am proud that I have come through it so well. It’s my remaining breast. Boob’s are plural for a reason, I am growing to hate it, I can’t describe
really how it affects a woman I will never underestimate the words ‘even’ ‘symetrical’
‘proportioned’ and ‘regular’. It’s strange not having a cleavage, its
strange the way clothes hang.
Now I feel strange, I am numb where my breast was, under my
armpit and down the inside of my arm, I feel alien and uncomfortable and I find
myself putting my hand up to cover myself if I am out and engage in conversation
with people. I have always been
confident but this last few weeks have been harder than I imagined.
BUT and there is
always a BUT
I am alive and kicking, spring is in the air and at this moment about
to start the final stage of treatment radiotherapy tomorrow for three weeks. I am not looking forward to it but everyone
tells me it’s a doddle compared to chemo.
I have also started taking the drug Anastrozole which prohibits estrogen
the hormone that has caused my cancer, I will be on these for five years and
the hot flushes have already started to such a degree I now sleep with a fan on
every night but this will hopefully keep the cancer from metastasis in other
words from forming secondary cancer somewhere else in my body.
They say that it takes at least a year out of your life and
they are not wrong, but hey what’s a year in the grand scheme of things.
At the end of May I am doing another cycle challenge, my
biggest yet in that it’s for 100km throughout the night in London, some might
say ‘Are you Mad?’ to which the answer
undoubtedly is ‘Yes, Yes, I think I might be!
Then again there is a little madness in us all……..
If you are able please check out this site and read the most
powerful, amazing, determined, heartbreaking stories from amazing women who in
the face of adversity are brave, strong and smart. Just like me………
when you see the navigation panel click onto ‘a letter to my body
Love Wendy x
