Walls come tumbling down! - You don’t have to take this crap, you don’t have to sit back and relax!

Walls come tumbling down!

You don’t have to take this crap, you don’t have to sit back and relax!

 

I am reminded from the moment I wake up this morning on my birthday that I am 51 years old, have inflammatory breast cancer and have just lost my job!  So I can either sit here and feel sorry for myself or see it as the start of the next chapter.

I am no Mother Teresa, I have felt very sorry for myself for the last 5 days since I had my third session of chemo, which incidentally  was the day after the business I am a director of went into administration causing 180 colleagues to lose their jobs and their income and their lives like mine were turned upside down.  One minute we had a buyer and were going to be taken over and then the next it had fallen through and our walls came tumbling down!  It was good whilst it lasted.  It’s time to think of the next chapter.

It has to be said also that I feel crap following the chemo, I feel sick, I feel puffy from all of the steroids and I feel as though I am having an out of body experience, that I am looking down at myself and I will be honest at this point I am thinking WTF!

This time last year I threw a party for my 50^th, I think most people enjoyed it, we had a ball and I will remember it forever.  Celebrating with good friends and family is a joyful experience and I am so glad I did it as will treasure the moment in time forever.

This year I am sitting at home alone surrounded by presents from Jo, from Jenny , from my neighbour Jan and from my cousin Deborah and am reminded once again by the people close to me of how much my cancer affects them.  Yesterday I got a lovely surprise visit from my step daughter jenny and Joanne made a high tea with inviting neighbour Janet and our elderly neighbour Vera so the five of us ate a ridiculous amount of sandwiches, cakes and scones and there was not a drop of alcohol in sight!  What has happened to me!  I am going to have a nice day today though as T is just about to arrive and light up my day.    

 

My sister Jo is amazing but she sees and faces the brunt of when I am t having a bad day.  Having cancer makes you angry, well actually I will correct that, having chemo makes you angry as it makes you feel so crap and unable to function properly.  On Bank Holiday Monday I tested this anger out and released it by smashing most of my crockery on the floor, utterly useless point, no control of my anger management, frightened the hell out of Jo but I needed a good cry and it made me vent my anger out of my ‘cheap as chips’ Ikea cups and saucers instead of bottling it all in.   It is not normal though so I know it is something I need to watch.  Come to think of it not sure if this was about the cancer or I was imagining smashing a few people’s faces I need to get even with!  Whatever it was I need to let it go and move on.

The chemo meant that I also missed my Godson’s ‘Jack McKenzie’ charity cricket match which I really feel bad about but I know jack is up there watching over me and will understand.

So the summary:

I am 51 today

I have cancer, I have no Job

But

I have the best sister, family and friends anyone could wish for

I now have time to concentrate on getting myself better

I have an opportunity to find something I like doing for once

I still have a have a good brain and intend to use it

It’s time for a change

So Bring it on!

 

Style council - Walls come tumbling down.

You don't have to take this crap
You don't have to sit back and relax
You can actually try changing it
I know we've always been taught to rely
Upon those in authority -
But you never know until you try
How things just might be -
If we came together so strongly

Are you gonna try to make this work
Or spend your days down in the dirt
You see things can change -
YES an' walls can come tumbling down!