pe·nul·ti·mate (phase one of the process is nearly over)
adj.
1. Next to last
I know it’s been a while, and I won’t lie these are getting
harder and harder to write. Mainly because I don’t want to sound like a broken
record but mostly in truth because I set out with the intention to remain
positive and that does not always happen so I have to take each day as it
comes.
I remain positive in thinking about the long term outcome
but the day to day drivers of coping
with the treatment can sometime overtake my thoughts and I feel sad, angry, low
and in pain. Then I remember that there
is always someone worse off than me and have to drag myself back to the long
term outcome which is to ‘Kick the ass out of my bastard cancer’, and I gain
some calm for short bursts.
Having cancer is a great leveller. Some people shy away from it and cannot face
that I may have changed or be a reduced version of myself in some way and talk
about everything but it. Some people
tackle it head on and want to engage me in a conversation about it, learn from
it and spread the word. There is no
right or wrong way we all just have to come to terms with what it is, because
it is what it is ‘Bastard Cancer’, the proverbial elephant in the room with me,
always there, always silent.
Joanne bears the brunt of my mood swings which can range
from loud, brash, aggressive on days I am on steroids (some may say no change
there then!), to the slow realisation that I am battling with my life which can
mean overwhelming sadness and being withdrawn as I disappear into my thoughts
of what lies ahead. I think is ok to
admit it gets a little scary but being a tough nut means I usually manage to
pull my- self through it.
You can’t escape cancer; it’s on every night on the TV
either because it’s in soap, or an advert and the amount of people who know
someone with it is immeasurable. We
are in the month of November which means ‘Movember’ to my men friends and like
breast cancer one in eight men will be diagnosed with it in the UK. So please dig deep and support our men friends
who are participating in this worthwhile cause.
I am on my penultimate chemotherapy session this Friday and
my final session is the 6th December which gives me just about
enough recovery time to have a great Christmas before I start the next phase my
mastectomy in early January. When I was
first diagnosed this was the part of the process I was least scared of. Having large breasts which let me tell you
are a pain in the neck literally and metaphorically speaking I thought secretly
it would be my chance to get a reduction and a perky new set of boobs for all
my trouble of getting rid of the ‘bastard cancer’. However I find myself thinking the nearer it
gets about how attached I actually am to them.
I mean I haven’t seen my feet in years and it will be a strange feeling looking
down and seeing nothing.
I see the breast surgeon in the next couple of weeks so will
let you know how this goes as before I can think of reconstruction phase I have
to have 5 weeks of radiotherapy every day immediately after the mastectomy so it’s
a long way off yet. Please don’t think I
am making light of it, it’s my way of coping with the enormity of a mastectomy
and possibly a double mastectomy and I don’t know how I am going to react until
it happens.
“The
pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow. For every challenge
encountered there is opportunity for growth.”
