“Doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment” Oprah Winfrey (Open Blog - To me from me with love x)

(To me from me with love!)  This is an open blog to me from me!

Dear Wendy

There is no denying the last six months have been difficult but we are finally at the end of stage one ‘The Chemo stage’.

 

We know that together we have abused our body for the past 30 years, however, it really has held up this last six months when the demon side effects of chemo have ravished us. The only people who understand what we have been through are the fellow cancer sufferers going through chemotherapy.  There are many and we wish those of you that are in the same position or who have family sufferers all the best for health and happiness in 2014.

What can we say Wendy that we haven’t already about phase one?  Eight rounds of chemo, on a three week cycle that has taken us six months to complete.  Six months of an up- hill struggle, a battle Wendy that we have tried hard to hide from family and friends for fear of watching them suffer but have failed miserably on occasions knowing they were there to pick us up at our worst despairing moments.  

The way to look at phase one ‘Chemo’ is that you need to view it as the fuel to propel you into phase two, it’s necessary fuel that allows you to get from A to B, but, it is also the most debilitating fuel that drags you down and stalls your engine numerous times before you get to you next destination.  Wendy we cannot describe fully the immediate after effects of each three week cycle of chemo from the nausea that we went through, the painful headaches from wearing the cold cap, the pin cushion feeling from the many veins that collapsed along the way, the painful aches and flu like symptoms or the exhaustion we felt, but,Wendy we did it.  

We have relied heavily on Joanne who has witnessed it all first hand, giving up her life and moving in with us, sharing our worst moments, always there to pick us up, watch us cry, make us laugh and help us move on.  

Wendy, we have never been emotional, we are more of a ‘chin up’, move forward and get on with it sort of girl, yet there have been so many moments over the past six months that sadness has got the better of us and we have felt oh so broken.   Somewhere though our inner strength takes over and we hold our head high and we slowly, ever so slowly continue to move forward.

Sometimes the stupid things have bothered us.  We have kept our hair but lost all our eyelashes which makes our eyes stream constantly and gives us a weird hooded look that is unattractive and odd, that along with the moon face we have developed from all of the steroids and the weight gain, which we definitely did not need has added to our plight and although these things are all cosmetic which in the grand scheme of things are totally unimportant, they have just added to the overall consuming effects the ‘Bastard Cancer’ has taken from us.     

We are about to head into Phase Two– Mastectomy week commencing 6^th January,  followed by five weeks of intensive radiotherapy every day.   Wendy this is it, this is the phase that will rid us of the evil presence of the ‘Bastard Cancer’.  Yes, it will ravish our body, yes, it will be painful, yes, it will be devastating, but, like the many other strong women that have had it before us we will wear the scars and the mutilation of our body with pride knowing we will conquer this terrible disease that affects so many.  We feel strangely vulnerable now that the chemo has stopped as bad as it was it kept the ‘Bastard Cancer’ away. 

Our way of coping as always is to bring out our sense of humor, think of the many new bra’s we will be able to buy, the fact that we will no doubt lose a fair amount of weight in one go (they weigh a ton!) We therefore will win slimmer of the week at least one more time at Slimmer’s World, (Is that cheating!)  To be fair we did win it last week with our breasts still firmly attached!

Christmas is a few days away, we are having a quiet one with Joanne, Sydney Biddly and Roxy Boo, nothing too grandeur,  It will be a time for us to reflect on the positive things the future holds, the many friends and family who have supported us in our battle, a time of rest, a time of recuperating.

For all of our rantings and our sadness over the past six months we have made it, we are proud, we, that is me and my ravished body are ready so BRING IT ON!

We have tried to be honest in writing our blog, sometimes it has been hard, but we have been truthful and honest to the way we have felt along the path of phase one.

We wish those that have taken the time to read our blog the very best for 2014.  A very merry Christmas and happy New Year.

We are doing OK Wendy we are doing our very best!

“Doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment”

Oprah Winfrey

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”

pe·nul·ti·mate (phase one of the process is nearly over)

adj.

1. Next to last

 

I know it’s been a while, and I won’t lie these are getting harder and harder to write. Mainly because I don’t want to sound like a broken record but mostly in truth because I set out with the intention to remain positive and that does not always happen so I have to take each day as it comes.

I remain positive in thinking about the long term outcome but the day to day  drivers of coping with the treatment can sometime overtake my thoughts and I feel sad, angry, low and in pain.  Then I remember that there is always someone worse off than me and have to drag myself back to the long term outcome which is to ‘Kick the ass out of my bastard cancer’, and I gain some calm for short bursts.

Having cancer is a great leveller.  Some people shy away from it and cannot face that I may have changed or be a reduced version of myself in some way and talk about everything but it.  Some people tackle it head on and want to engage me in a conversation about it, learn from it and spread the word.  There is no right or wrong way we all just have to come to terms with what it is, because it is what it is ‘Bastard Cancer’, the proverbial elephant in the room with me, always there, always silent.

Joanne bears the brunt of my mood swings which can range from loud, brash, aggressive on days I am on steroids (some may say no change there then!), to the slow realisation that I am battling with my life which can mean overwhelming sadness and being withdrawn as I disappear into my thoughts of what lies ahead.  I think is ok to admit it gets a little scary but being a tough nut means I usually manage to pull my- self through it.  

You can’t escape cancer; it’s on every night on the TV either because it’s in soap, or an advert and the amount of people who know someone with it is immeasurable.    We are in the month of November which means ‘Movember’ to my men friends and like breast cancer one in eight men will be diagnosed with it in the UK.  So please dig deep and support our men friends who are participating in this worthwhile cause.

I am on my penultimate chemotherapy session this Friday and my final session is the 6^th December which gives me just about enough recovery time to have a great Christmas before I start the next phase my mastectomy in early January.   When I was first diagnosed this was the part of the process I was least scared of.  Having large breasts which let me tell you are a pain in the neck literally and metaphorically speaking I thought secretly it would be my chance to get a reduction and a perky new set of boobs for all my trouble of getting rid of the ‘bastard cancer’.  However I find myself thinking the nearer it gets about how attached I actually am to them.   I mean I haven’t seen my feet in years and it will be a strange feeling looking down and seeing nothing.   

I see the breast surgeon in the next couple of weeks so will let you know how this goes as before I can think of reconstruction phase I have to have 5 weeks of radiotherapy every day immediately after the mastectomy so it’s a long way off yet.  Please don’t think I am making light of it, it’s my way of coping with the enormity of a mastectomy and possibly a double mastectomy and I don’t know how I am going to react until it happens.

 

“The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow. For every challenge encountered there is opportunity for growth.” 

 Love Wendy x

“Life don’t cost money. It’s really clear that the most precious resource we all have is time.” (Steve jobs)

13 unlucky for some!

 

Today I have sat and pondered.  I have had a morning where I get up at 8am (a luxury as when I was working it was 6am) I go downstairs and spend an hour sorting Syd and Roxy out, they are still poorly and I have to mop up, clean up and then feed them and medicate them.  Finally its then cuddle time.

Jo then comes downstairs as thankfully since my last blog she is out of hospital and recuperating with me.  So you can imagine there are four of us siblings together all under the weather you could say.

The district nurses then arrive mid-morning to tend to Joanne and I spend the time again mopping and laying out new puppy pads before I am able to go and sit down for a rest.  It was far easier going to work.

The last few weeks I can admit I have struggled.   Struggled to get my head around this year 2013 our ‘annus horribilis’ and all that has happened to us.  I have found myself being emotional probably for the first time in my life thinking what the hell have we done to deserve all of this shit.

·         My Bastard Cancer

·         Loss of job (not the best when you are ill and need the support network of your employment)

·         Jo then falls ill with terrible infection of her leg likely to take months to heal which has completely masked the fact she did an amazing thing and cycled 450km in Sri Lanka for charity and had support of some amazing women

·         My new puppies have started off their little life so poorly

I have found myself crying often; sometimes from the pain that chemo is causing me in my bones which is like the worst flu symptoms in the world and constant.  Sometimes just because I feel sorry for myself and for Jo and think WTF! Sometimes because my life has turned upside down and has so radically changed I feel I am having an out of body experience.   I am tired, so very tired that there are some days I wake up and wish it was bedtime and I could sleep all over again.

Somewhere in between feeling sorry for myself though my inner strength and self-preservation takes over and I tell myself to get a grip and recognise that there are people in a worse situation than mine.

I think about my positives:

·         I have the best sister in the world who I adore and is always there for me

·         I have the best support and love from TP

·         I have two adorable new puppies that despite not getting the best start are so innocent and lovely they bring both me and Jo much Joy and love.

·         I have family who have been supportive and generous as always like my brothers Andrew and Nick,  my cousin Deborah, and my step daughter Jenny and my good neighbour Janet who looks after me every day.

·        I have a very good friend in Jane McKenzie who has been with me to the last two chemo sessions and about to come with me to my next one.   It is not pleasant to watch and she has been brilliant in her support of me

·         I have many other friends who have been supportive coming to see me and some supportive from afar. (I realise that people are really busy but it would be lovely to see some of you though as I am struggling to get to you and don’t get to see many people living in Nottingham!)

·         I only  have three more chemo sessions to go, the last one being on the 6^th December

·         I am in a lucky position where I have enough money not to work for the next year in order to heal myself

·         I am a lady of leisure whoop whoop ! Probably a bit of an over statement but I am getting there!

·         I am going to survive my ‘Bastard Cancer’ and when I do 2014 is going to be the best year ever my bucket list is for ever increasing.

Thanks also to the wonderful Sharon Greenland and ladies of Sri lanka who gave me the most amazing tribute picture below so I could cross the finishing line with them.

 

So there it is, my life has changed and I am battling the next phase and who knows what that may hold.  I believe though if you do the right things, the right things will come so I have to accept those changes and move to the next chapter.

love wendy x

 

If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill

If you're going through hell, keep going.  ~Winston Churchill

This is probably the hardest blog I have written to date on the eve before my 5^th chemo.  Hard because it does not involve just me in terms of dealing with a difficult time, but now involves my dearest sister Joanne.

You are probably aware that she has just returned from Cycle Sri Lanka which she pushed herself to finish 450km in five days and I am so proud of her.  By all accounts she had an amazing time sharing the bond of a remarkable group of women who give up their time to cycle for ‘Women for Women’ - The genesis research Trust charity. http://www.genesisresearchtrust.com/

I can’t wait to hear all her story’s, I know there will many tales of laughter, sadness, toughness and bonding.  Thanks to all the ladies who looked after her from the bottom of my heart.

You are also probably aware that my sister is fighting her own battle right now having taken ill on the flight on the way home.  She was feeling flu like symptoms all of the way home which at first was thought to be exhaustion, however, she was admitted into hospital on Sunday and since then has had to endure a very nasty leg infection which is horrific.  Ankle to thigh purple and covered in blisters she is really suffering a nasty infection. She has not got better for five days despite being on two antibiotics, has not eaten and not even able to drink much.  She is struggling to stand as she is in agony and is now on morphine. 

I can honestly say that my heart is breaking that I cannot go to her.  I am the big sister and for the last few months those roles have reversed as she has been the devoted sister to me looking after me in my hour of need.   I could weep all day thinking about it, however, now is the time to muster up all our strength and carry on regardless as they say.

She has had amazing support from Deborah our cousin and her daughter Ros and Sai, from Jenny my step daughter and from cousin Laurence and other friends who have gone to see her when I have not been able to.  That is what family and good friends do.  They pull together when the going gets tough.  Jo and I are tough cookies so we will get through it and know that it is all part of life’s rich tapestry.  

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.  I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.  ~Mother Teresa

I could go into my hard as nails fight mode which many of you have come to expect and say bloody hell she is going to lose so much weight and I will be well jel!  But, this would just be a brave face because I ache with sadness.

 Tomorrow I have my good friend Jane McKenzie once again standing up to the plate and coming all the way from Chester to be with me as I have round five.   I am scared as it’s the start of a new cocktail so I don’t know what side effects to expect but the list is endless along with losing your nails and blistering of hands and feet.   I am trying to remember that whatever I get I will not be in as much pain as my little sister is going through right now and if I could take that pain off her I would in a Nano second.

 

I can’t go without mentioning that October is breast cancer awareness month:   http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/news/media-centre/breast-cancer-awareness-month-press-pack

 The facts

·         The number of people being diagnosed with breast cancer is increasing, but the good news is survival rates are improving. This is probably because of more targeted treatments, earlier detection and better breast awareness.

·         The biggest risk factor, after gender, is increasing age – 80% of breast cancers occur in women over the age of 50.

·         Breast cancer also affects men, but it’s rare – around 400 men are diagnosed each year.

·         Breast cancer is not one single disease there are several types of breast cancer.

·         Not all breast cancers show as a lump, and not all breast lumps are breast cancer.

·         Less than 10% of all breast cancers run in families, so having someone in your family with breast cancer doesn’t necessarily mean your own risk is increased.

The stats

·         Every year nearly 55,000 people are diagnosed in the UK. That’s the equivalent of 150 people every day or one person every 10 minutes.

·         1 in 8 women in the UK will develop breast cancer in their lifetime.

·         Nearly 12,000 people die from breast cancer in the UK every year.

·         Breast cancer is the second most common cause of death from cancer in women in the UK, after lung cancer.

·         Of adults aged between 25-49, breast cancer accounts for 45% of all female cancers.

·         There are an estimated 550,000 people living in the UK today who have had

* Ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) is an early form of breast cancer, sometimes described as anintra-ductal or non-invasive cancer. ** This refers to invasive breast cancer. Statistics correct at time of publication.

 

Diseases can be our spiritual flat tires - disruptions in our lives that seem to be disasters at the time but end by redirecting our lives in a meaningful way.  ~Bernie S. Siegel

 PS Little Sydney is back to normal and in rascal mode, has found his bark and tonight has discovered humping my shoes lol! 

love Wendy x :)

 

Life and its curved balls, Sri Lanka & Little Sydney!

Life and its curved balls, Sri Lanka & Little Sydney! 

(Dedicated to my sister Joanne whom I love more each day x) 

It’s been a while since I last wrote my blog and a lot has happened.  Where do I start?

On Friday last week I had my 4^th Chemo and I got a strange reaction to it in that I literally gagged from the moment I got there.  I did not actually throw up, just gagged the whole time.  They put this down to my brain beginning the process of how it is going to make me feel two or three days after chemo and nothing to do with the process there and then.  It is most unpleasant and my good friend Jane McKenzie had to witness the slow process of how they administer this strong cocktail through me.  I had no veins so they had to use the other arm which they don’t like to do on the breast cancer side as it can lead to shut down which is no good later when I have the mastectomy.

Anyway that aside about two days after this my hair started to come out in droves.  As I washed it for the first time when I rubbed the shampoo on my head and pulled my hands away I had big clumps clinging onto my fingers which I have to say made even me break down as just did not expect it.  Don’t get me wrong no one else at this point would even be able to tell but it’s the physicality of what having cancer and in particular chemo does to your body.  On the plus point however, HALF WAY THROUGH WHOOP WHOOP!

You are all aware that I also have a puppy (SYDNEY) who has also been very poorly with a parasite in his gut and it was touch and go if he made it.  Well as we speak Syd is biting my toes, making a rascal of him-self and bounding all around my house like a puppy should.  He is adorable and is at the start of a new life of adventure for both him and me.  I have taken the transition from business woman on the move to a lady who lunches particularly well I think.  (A bit too well actually I love it!)  I have never had a period of time in my life where I have been out of work so I am truly making the most of it.  When Syd has had all his injections and Roxy his sister joins us in a couple of weeks I am going be an eccentric lady who walks around the village with her two little sausage dogs talking to whomever!  I think I could handle that quite well.

Actually I have decided to embark on two courses whilst I am in treatment/fight mode.  I am going to do a Prince2 project management course and a Nuro Linguistic Programming course at master levels.  The idea behind this is two- fold.  Firstly I do project management very well and also enjoy excellence coaching and therefore wanted a more formal qualification of both so that when I get through all of this I can show on my CV that I have put my time to good use and just backed up my skills.  Secondly I want to work for myself and see the consultancy route a good way forward given these both have merits in their own right with organisations so let me know what you all think.  I have been an MD and a Chief Operating Officer for many years but it is now time to think about what I want to do next, who knows I may even just open a tea shop for eccentric old women who walk their dogs in the village!

The final part of this blog is to wish my sister Joanne Milne and all of the Genesis Research Trust ladies the very best on their cycle Sri Lanka ride.  I was meant to be there with them doing another crazy 60 miles a day for 5 days challenge.  The things I will do to get out of it hey!  Well my great pals; Ally Stewart (St Ally as we call her!), Sharon Greenland, Norma Linton, Deb Russell and oh around 70 others set off tomorrow and I am so gutted I cannot be there with them but please give your support to these incredible ladies who just support each other unconditionally.   Karen Tottey my heart also goes out to you for a speedy recovery of your lovely son Mark after his accident as I know that this was meant to be your time to go to Sri Lanka too and yet again that curved ball in your life has stopped you from being able to go.  You are a strong independent and a good woman Karen and will get through this.

 I have never really been a female bonding person, mostly working with aggressive men all of my career, however, they have made me realise that the support of women for women is second to none and when in times of trouble, illness or defeat they have been one hundred per cent behind me willing me through and I can’t thank them enough.  

So when the ladies are in Sri Lanka I would like to paint a visual of how they look:

70 strong women on their bikes, all ages, all sizes, all abilities, all had heartache or witnessed it in others, all mad as hatters, all singing and encouraging everyone to finish each day and there to pick up those who need it most, all will go through laughing, crying, pain and gain each day and all will succeed and finish.  I salute you and look forward to hearing the many escapades you are going to have this week.

I WILL BE RIGHT THERE ALONG SIDE YOU IN SPIRIT.   SHE’LL BE COMING AROUND THE MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES…… XX J

 Love Wendy J xx

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life! My first bit of good news!

It’s going to be OK – My first bit of good news this week.

It’s been a week of tremendous change and lots of lows for me having had the worst chemo side effects yet and losing my job in the same week, so I reminded myself that tonight this time last year I threw a party for my 50^th and celebrated in style.  If I had known that night that I was to lose my job and have ‘bastard cancer’ within a year would I have still spent all that money on one night?  You bet your bottom dollar I would!  How can you put a price on a night where you get to see all of your friends, your family, your work colleagues and your school mates under one roof having a great time.   

Can anyone put a price on that?   It reminds me that simple pleasures really are the best, seeing people laugh, people dance, people happy is a great birthday gift and one I would repeat a million times over.  However I am a little sad at the contrast to how I have spent my day today and how quick things can change.

Sometimes things happen for a reason and I have the space and time to concentrate on what is important. My priority right now is my health as without it what have any of us got.  What I can tell you is that I have known that from a really early age and I have always had a good feeling that someone somewhere is looking out for me and I have been lucky many times when faced with adversity and something good has happened and propelled me forward when I have needed it most.  Luck, however, is where preparation meets with opportunity so you still have to drive yourself to do better.

I have many good friends and family around me and I am fortunate to have the best sister in the world.  She always has my back covered and never lets me down.  In three weeks she is going to Sri Lanka on the charity ride we were going to do together and although I will no longer be able to go I am excited by the opportunity this will be for her. Although a little envious at the same time but know the cycle china girls will look after her and keep her spirit going. 

Now for my good news:  This week I had an ultrasound and it confirmed that my chemo is working and the cancer looks to have retracted from the lymph nodes as they could not see any lumps or swellings or cancer cells.  So you see nothing else really matters. A year from now I will be free of this 'bastard cancer' and then you won’t be able to stop me.

Love Wendy J 

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best
And...

Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)
Always look on the light side of life (whistle)
If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing

When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing
And... 

Always look on the bright side of life... (whistle)
Come on!
Always look on the bright side of life... (whistle)

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow

So always look on the bright side of death (whistle)
Just before you draw your terminal breath (whistle)
Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it

Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you

And always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the right side of life (whistle)
Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)
Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)

Walls come tumbling down! - You don’t have to take this crap, you don’t have to sit back and relax!

Walls come tumbling down!

You don’t have to take this crap, you don’t have to sit back and relax!

 

I am reminded from the moment I wake up this morning on my birthday that I am 51 years old, have inflammatory breast cancer and have just lost my job!  So I can either sit here and feel sorry for myself or see it as the start of the next chapter.

I am no Mother Teresa, I have felt very sorry for myself for the last 5 days since I had my third session of chemo, which incidentally  was the day after the business I am a director of went into administration causing 180 colleagues to lose their jobs and their income and their lives like mine were turned upside down.  One minute we had a buyer and were going to be taken over and then the next it had fallen through and our walls came tumbling down!  It was good whilst it lasted.  It’s time to think of the next chapter.

It has to be said also that I feel crap following the chemo, I feel sick, I feel puffy from all of the steroids and I feel as though I am having an out of body experience, that I am looking down at myself and I will be honest at this point I am thinking WTF!

This time last year I threw a party for my 50^th, I think most people enjoyed it, we had a ball and I will remember it forever.  Celebrating with good friends and family is a joyful experience and I am so glad I did it as will treasure the moment in time forever.

This year I am sitting at home alone surrounded by presents from Jo, from Jenny , from my neighbour Jan and from my cousin Deborah and am reminded once again by the people close to me of how much my cancer affects them.  Yesterday I got a lovely surprise visit from my step daughter jenny and Joanne made a high tea with inviting neighbour Janet and our elderly neighbour Vera so the five of us ate a ridiculous amount of sandwiches, cakes and scones and there was not a drop of alcohol in sight!  What has happened to me!  I am going to have a nice day today though as T is just about to arrive and light up my day.    

 

My sister Jo is amazing but she sees and faces the brunt of when I am t having a bad day.  Having cancer makes you angry, well actually I will correct that, having chemo makes you angry as it makes you feel so crap and unable to function properly.  On Bank Holiday Monday I tested this anger out and released it by smashing most of my crockery on the floor, utterly useless point, no control of my anger management, frightened the hell out of Jo but I needed a good cry and it made me vent my anger out of my ‘cheap as chips’ Ikea cups and saucers instead of bottling it all in.   It is not normal though so I know it is something I need to watch.  Come to think of it not sure if this was about the cancer or I was imagining smashing a few people’s faces I need to get even with!  Whatever it was I need to let it go and move on.

The chemo meant that I also missed my Godson’s ‘Jack McKenzie’ charity cricket match which I really feel bad about but I know jack is up there watching over me and will understand.

So the summary:

I am 51 today

I have cancer, I have no Job

But

I have the best sister, family and friends anyone could wish for

I now have time to concentrate on getting myself better

I have an opportunity to find something I like doing for once

I still have a have a good brain and intend to use it

It’s time for a change

So Bring it on!

 

Style council - Walls come tumbling down.

You don't have to take this crap
You don't have to sit back and relax
You can actually try changing it
I know we've always been taught to rely
Upon those in authority -
But you never know until you try
How things just might be -
If we came together so strongly

Are you gonna try to make this work
Or spend your days down in the dirt
You see things can change -
YES an' walls can come tumbling down!  

Second Chemo two days before third session!

Second Chemo two days before third session!

Not Had Writers block!  Just did not want to write garbage!

Garbage!

I don't know what else to say
I can't, I can't think of nothin'
I'm stumped
Here we go (Here we go)

Eminem

Sorry folks, I told you I was not a writer and therefore I have had a none writer's writer’s block ! I am putting it down to chemo brain which means that everything I have tried to get down on paper has been garbage! I am also getting words mixed up when I speak and my gift of malapropism is escalating and growing quicker than my 'bastard cancer!'

However, there are a lot of you out there thinking I have not been very well and as I said in my last blog I had a ropey few days following my last chemo but have been well for the last couple of weeks.  Therefore garbage or no garbage I thought I should have a go at communicating with you all.

Last weekend Karen Tottey and Norma Linton (Two ladies we met on cycle china) came to stay, it was lovely to see them both but my god can they shop!  I thought I was bad but wow they ran rings around me and Jo and I ended up knackered but really enjoyed their company and what was a chilled girls weekend.  Jo, Karen and Norma are getting ready for cycle Sri Lanka and I have to admit I was more than a little envious that I am unable to go with them.  However we all signed up for the ‘women v Cancer’ night ride through London in May next year by which time I will have nailed my bastard cancer and be ready to celebrate with a nifty little 100km ride with hundreds of amazing ladies.  

http://www.actionforcharity.co.uk/eventdetailsnew2.php/urlsearch/Women-V-Cancer-Ride-the-Night

For any of you ladies reading my blog who fancy’s riding with us the maximum limit is 1000 ladies and they are getting booked up fast. You will have an amazing experience so come on join us on the first Ride the Night London next year.

I have to let you into a secret  shush, don’t let anyone else know as this is just between you and me but I am dreading my next round of chemo which is this Friday 23^rd August.  I know that my left hand will be used as a pin cushion as I have no veins and that by my birthday on 27^th August I will feel shitty and it will last for about 5 days.  Now I could just about put up with this if it made me lose some weight but given the only thing that eases the nausea is eating I just end up feeling crap and bloated!  Yuk.  However in the two days following on Saturday and Sunday before the nausea kicks in I intend to get on my bike and support Jo in her training.

This time last year I was celebrating my 50^th and had the most amazing and special night with those nearest and dearest to me, life-long pals and work colleagues who have become firm friends and have supported me for the last few years.  How things have changed in just a year, so please remind yourself to live your life to the max.  I have tried to do this and will continue to reach for the stars and drive myself forward until I beat my ‘Bastard Cancer’.

As much as I enjoyed it, I know what I want this year is just to be fit and healthy x J

Finally I have bought to sausage dog puppies which will come to me in September.  I have thought long and hard about the practicalities and the outcome is that I need to love myself to get better but give my love and focus to something else to stop me from getting angry, stressed and sad something I understand will happen on the bumpy road of treatment over the next year. It also gets me off my butt and out walking everyday which stops me from becoming a couch potato!

So let me introduce Roxy (named after Roxy Music my favourite band) on account that she has Jet black coat and Silvie who is a beautiful little silver dappled sausage.   Also because Jo and I are a little bit daft they are homage to Rosie and Sophie sausages our beloved sausages which we lost last year after 15 years of unconditional love from them.  Sausages are special little dogs that are funny, full of character and in charge!  To coin a phrase “Do you see what we did there” R & S lives on!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love Wendy x

PS - GOOD LUCK TO DENISE BAYLEY WHO IS GOING THROUGH HER SECOND ROUND OF CHEMO TOMORROW AND IS BEING A STRONG WOMAN WHO WILL ALSO KICK THE HELL OUT OF HER “BASTARD CANCER”  DEN YOU ARE A STAR XXXXX

 

 

 

 

Chemo Round Two - Day 8 - Life is a Journey, not a Destination!

Life is a Journey not a Destination!

Today’s the Day!

Right that’s it, today is the day I am going to feel better again, I have decided I do not want to feel sickly anymore days, enough is enough. “Bastard Cancer” is closely followed by “Bastard Chemo”.

Sorry I have not written a blog for the past few days there has been nothing really to tell you that is in the least bit inspirational, funny, educational or just informative.

What has happened is that following my second chemo, which, for the first few days I feel as though I am on top of the world and master of the universe, I now realise that like last time the pattern is that days 4 through to 7 is the time when I feel really crappy, 4 complete days out of your life however, is nothing in the grand scheme of things.  Now I have gone through two cycles of this I have no excuses for not managing it better next time but it is not easy to manage when you are in it.

I have to admit I don’t think I paid enough attention to the emergency anti-sickness tablets as I mentioned in the last blog and this is something I need to manage better for next time (OK Jo pipe down!) and I struggled to drink as much fluid on account that the taste in my mouth resembles a rusty old lead pipe (Yuk!)

The main feelings over the past 4 days have been:

·        Low energy – unbelievable feeling of almost watching myself from above in slow motion, just staring into space

·         Complete opposite ends of scale of feeling hungry to the point of I would kill someone to eat anything salty or feeling so sickly that I can’t stomach anything, these can actually reverse within  minutes so really hard to control

·         Feeling wide awake one minute to nodding off in a nano second whilst I am speaking to someone (some might say they need to be more entertaining whilst I am in this mode!!)

·         Cramps in my stomach that are painful and just constant but bearable

·         Feeling I can’t wait for night so I can go to bed and then when I am in bed feeling I can’t wait for the morning so I can get up (restless and anxious)

·         Vivid dreams, weird dreams the like of which I have never experienced but that only appear to last a couple of minutes  before I am awake again (although this is giving me a potential new career in horror short stories as BOOM there are some juicy and gory ones!)

·         Involuntary shaking that takes hold of my body whilst I am asleep and wakes me up. (I have chosen to believe this is my mother again with her “GET A BLOODY GRIP WENDY!” efforts.

·         Running to the loo in the night at hour intervals which last time around I put down to celery-gate and now I am wondering if it is just the toxic chemo leaving my body

·         Paranoia – I have started to question every ache, every involuntary movement

·         Aggressive – Who would have thought me aggressive! (Sorry Jo and Tee and my boss who all experienced it this week) GRRRRR.

GOING FORWARD ACTIONS:

·         Understand this is the norm and accept it but manage it

·         Find some nice things to put in my diary and concentrate on the end goal (I am already a quarter of the way through six more sessions to go)

·         Walk more – I have never been a walker but now is the time to get off my backside

·         Be nicer to Jo – sorry Jo x

·         Think about my journey and how I want to play it, what places I want to see, what life I want to live, who I want to be on that journey with.

 

The last few days are a blip, they have gone Wendy is now back in the room and I am as  forward looking as ever  in completing my Journey, of kicking the the ass out of my "Bastard Cancer".

Love Wendy J