Week Four - After First Chemo - I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul but it sure helps having support from my mates!

Friendships:

When I think of the many friendships I have formed over the years I know that it is making a major impact on my health and well-being.  Never have I felt the support from so many people who have often been a transient part of my life either from a work place, a place I have lived, from friends I have known since school or friends that I have travelled and met on cycle challenges.  But one quote I came across struck a nerve. “True friends are like stars you don’t always see them but you know they are always there!”

I can honestly say that I know you are all there rooting for me and I thank you all for the love and support you have shown me over the past few weeks.  I know that it has added to my strength and lifted me every time I have been down. So thank you all.

What are the benefits of friendships?

Throughout my life I have been fortunate to have good mates around me, colleagues I have genuinely grown to have great friendships with that have lasted a lifetime and  who I have celebrated both the good times, the lonely times, the painful times and  tragic times with.  I know that I only have to pick the phone and there is always someone to talk to.

Friends can:

·         Improve your life and increase your self-worth

·         Give you a sense of being loved

·         Give you a sense of belonging

·         Help you cope with life’s curved balls

·         Give you the best laughter and increase your happiness

·         Listen when you need a shoulder and reduce stress

·         Pick up where you last left off without any question

When you go through being told you have a life threatening disease you go through the stages of grieving, in my case rather quickly and like everything else I do I did this within a couple of days:

1.      Denial and Isolation

The first reaction when learning of critical illness is to deny the reality of the situation. (I had already guessed my diagnosis because of Google so almost hit this emotion within minutes of being told; it came like a wave which I then processed the information and moved on..

2. Anger

I was angry that I had “bastard cancer” but again after a couple of days felt why waste energy on being angry so I have not had this emotion since as again I processed the fleeting moment of anger but then moved on..

Even when the doctor who I went to and sent me away rang me, I did not feel anger. Just felt sorry for her.

3. Bargaining

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

• If only I had sought medical attention sooner…
• If only I got a second opinion from another doctor…
• If only I had tried to be a better person
• If only I had been healthier, slimmer, worked less hours, etc.

Secretly, I looked for divine intervention from my late mother and prayed that she would look after me and make sure I was going to be alright.  this was the hardest because I am a control freak so I want to know why and have completed endless research which is exhausting.

4. Depression

I refuse to acknowledge this one the same way I have done my whole life, I don’t want to be depressed therefore I don’t allow it to possess me.  I do have down days as you have seen but I really work hard to pull myself out of these moments with a stern chat with myself.  I have not always understood it in others but I know it exists and I have always tried to listen to others who do suffer from it knowing that it is an illness, a chemical in-balance and I try to reach out and be a friend to those who have it. It’s terrible and equally debilitating as any “bastard cancer! So I consider myself fortunate.

5. Acceptance

I have accepted my “bastard cancer” and what has made it easier is knowing the support I have off my sister, my family and friends, my work colleagues...

Coping with breast cancer is ultimately a massive personal experience — I am thankful that you have all been there for me to comfort me and support me.  It's extraordinary how protective I am of how I should feel.  People with the same illness with me, will have different emotions and have their special way of dealing with it.  Everyone is different, everyone has their own coping mechanisms but for me I have to fight, I have to work, I have to maintain my health, I have to deal with it, I have to laugh and mock at it, I have to maintain as much glamour as I can because that is ultimately who I am a shallow bugger but above all I have to beat it and move on..  

Finally tonight I was sent a poem by a friend and ex colleague which sums up the way I feel brilliantly so thank you Sean Coulter.

Invictus (Unconquered)

Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance my head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley (As sent to me by Sean Coulter)