I have had a quiet day, a comtemplatory day. A day which I am calling " My lump in throat day". For those who know me, they know that this sort of emotional day is few and far between thankfully. I tell you because this is my blog, this is my journey, and its important that I am honest.
First of all I did not get much sleep, still wide awake at 4am, eventually nodding off at about 4.30am only to be awoke to the sound of someone hammering at my door. I had ordered an electric toothbrush from Amazon as am becoming increasing paranoid about mouth hygiene because its one of the most common side effects of chemo a dry sore mouth. so I open the door to be given the parcel and rushed in to open it only to find 18 packs of dog food. Now call me an idiot but this single action alone caused me to have my first little weep of the day. I am not sleeping well so I put it down to this alone.
why? Lord knows but that is the day I am having. My breast hurts today, and I have a pain in my shoulder and down my arm. I am knackered, I am overly sensitive and for a wee minute I feel a little sorry for myself. It is only for a wee minute because there are people in far worse situations than me and I remind myself of that and hear my mother once again saying "get a grip Wendy!"
An hour later the amazon driver comes back and says "sorry I gave you the wrong parcel" and suddenly I feel in control again. Stupid I know.
So then I get ready to face the world, put my full make-up on and get on with my day, which, consists of a bit of shopping of course, a nice cup of soya decaf latte and a quick visit to the farm shop whoop whoop, life's simple pleasures hey!
So I returned home and sleep took the better of me for about 4 hours and I awoke to the sound and smell of rain and it felt wonderful when I stood in the garden for a couple of minutes drinking it in feeling it on my skin, cool and calming.
I read some wonderful messages from my cycling buddies from china and the girls I was meant to be cycling with in Sri Lanka in September and was comforted by the huge support I have off everyone. My sister Joanne is amazing support to me and my best friend and I don't know what I would do without her. She will cycle for both of us with these amazing women who have themselves suffered and have driven forward in the face of adversity and will support her when she is there with them as only we know how hard for both the mind and the body these challenges are and the spirit of great friendship is forged with laughter and tears shed along the way.
I watched the re-run of the opening ceremony of the Olympics, one year ago this week and felt proud but the lump in my throat tightened as I could not help but think of how quickly life changes. Then my other best friend T turned up and the world was alright again. The love of Jo and T and of Jen are so precious to me it brings another lump to my throat. I am lucky to have so many positive people with positive energy around me.
I have had a melancholy kind of day but I promised to be honest and share the more challenging days with you as well.
If I could opt to have all my chemo sessions in one go I would, its the waiting around the sheer timescale it takes to get rid of "my bastard cancer" that mostly eats away at me. I can cope with he cancer it's the timescale. I am a girl that makes snap decision's and moves on quickly and this is something I have had to slow myself down with and be patient.
So I leave you tonight with a quote from William Wordsworth which I think sums up my situation and all of yours too.
Life is divided into three terms
that which was, which is, and which will be.
Let us learn from the past to profit by the present,
And from the present, to live better in the future.
William Wordsworth
Love Wendy x
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